Extremist Sikh Violence in British Columbia: Why Must It Always Boil Down to This?
Let me tell you a very, very, very sad story.
In a previous life I went out with an exceptionally fine Indo-Canadian gal. She was a Sikh.
We studied at UBC together. Loved going to the movies. Took frequent trips to Seattle for weekends. Took super-long walks. It was wonderful.
Though, it wasn’t just the romance…she was a GREAT friend. We’d often finish each other’s sentences. We liked the same pop (Ginger Ale). We ran at least 6K per day and sometimes finished off with an ice cold beer at ‘The Pit’.
We coined the ‘Ultimate UBC fall morning moment’ in the school paper as the one warmly fueled by a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun in Buchanan Building, right before first class.
And then…it all came crashing down.
One morning, she appeared in ‘lower’ B-Lot (for those of you who rolled in as late as I did, you’ll remember the old parking lot that extended to the southwest side of UBC, near the decrepit, rotting gardens, that was the best parking location where you could sneak your car–in my case an old Buick, over the lowly log barriers and park for free before the languishing campus cowboys rolled out after lunch to ticket you).
Her eyes were blackened. Her lip was badly cut. Her nose was broken and she looked like she hadn’t slept all night.
“We can’t go out anymore, my father said if I married you, he’d kill both of us. He’s not kidding”, she said. She was trembling.
And then she broke down.
She looked absolutely mortified…
I was a kid (20 is still a kid, isn’t it??), and I was thinking about marriage as much as I was thinking about sticking my hand through a table-saw. Yet, I couldn’t understand what the hell would possess a man to injure his own child, and all over a “what-if.” (My old man, in contrast, as tough a bugger as he always was and as complex his way of showing love remains to this day, was always a gentleman).
My God, it’s still painful to remember. I suppose it always will be.
The easy violence was more than just alarming. It was arresting.
Well, I loved her way too much not to say ‘good-bye’. We often wrote to one another. She never stopped loving me. And I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to missing her often after our break-up, too. She went away to the London School of Economics (as we had both planned to do) and then back to UBC to finish by reading law. But I detoured in London, only to toil away in Victoria (and then Ottawa) instead. We rarely lost touch. She sure knew how to find me.
She prophetically, after perusal of yet another winning essay, said, “You know, you should really think about being a writer. Your writing makes me feel like you’re talking to me. Your stuff reads like Fotheringham.” A high compliment to be sure. Dr. Foth’s son Kip was in one of my classes and when I told him the story, he told Allan, who upon our first meeting exclaimed, “Okay, you’re here, fine, I’ve got lots of Pimm’s but where’s this young Indian beauty who insulted me?”
The last time I saw her was in my late twenties. I was happily divorced. She went from one failed relationship to another, as always, hoping we’d reconcile.
When her father found out she had seen me that one night, he beat her again.
Mercilessly.
And then about a week later, the phone call. “If you see her again, I will kill you, you bastard! Do you hear me?”
That was 16 very long years ago.
And in those sixteen years what have the rest of you seen? Young, often intelligent Indo-Canadian boys VIOLENTLY killing each other in our streets. A whole slew of political scandals involving Indo politicians predominantly of Sikh heritage, many ending in magnificent VIOLENCE. Current Sikh politicians involved in scandals that include VIOLENCE. Sikh women being VIOLENTLY executed by their husbands for lack of subservience–for not producing boys. Young Indo girls stabbed to death by their insane fathers. Gays being beaten in the Davie Village by young Indo men, who “hate fags.”
It’s not racism (is it?) to point out that the activist end of the Sikh community, in particular, needs a very serious rebuke.
Barinder died on Christmas Day in 2003. She committed suicide in her apartment–completely alone and utterly lonely.
She left a letter for her father and one for me. I’ve never read all of it. I just couldn’t. It’s tucked away, I think, somewhere in my old desk at my Dad’s office (I was working there back then).
Her father had called me with the news, weeping and aching. Her brother sent along the letter.
Her father’s whole world collapsed on him. Every year, for a few years, he’d call on her birthday and offer lunch, dinner. “Please, come to my house, please, it would be an honour.”
I always politely declined.
I’ve never wanted to lay a beating on anyone, but I was afraid I might lose it seeing him. Then, I thought of how senseless violence begets senseless violence. How stupid could I be to let any emotions get the best of me? Even for split second. I was smarter than this, I thought…I had to be…much smarter.
But Bari taught me to love without fear–a rare gift at any age. And if it wasn’t for at least that, I wouldn’t have the family I have today. I’m not the best husband around, but I think I’ve evolved into a pretty good one. And I’d like to think I’m a terrific Dad.
But I’m a FIERCELY loyal friend, too.
I see Bari’s Dad from time to time at Vaisakhi celebrations. I show him the latest pictures of my wife and children. He kisses the pictures while the tears stream down his face. His hands never leave mine.
Then come the endless apologies.
He cries some more. He hugs me for what seems like an eternity. He shows me pictures of his son’s children. All girls. He cradles them with bursting pride.
A gentle, loving man, who viciously beat his daughter and threatened to kill me.
I’ve never brought myself to ask him why he did this. I just couldn’t bear to hurt myself like that–or him.
Or why there is a such an incredible undercurrent of hate and violence in the Sikh Community. Beautiful women being burned alive. Young men wasting their lives. Young girls losing their identities. Grown men exercising senseless rage over old world wars and doctrinaire, extremist values.
The shooting at a Surrey temple on the weekend is what prompted this post. Why would a man bring a gun to a wedding (or anywhere) to shoot another man over politics? Because never mind what you read or saw in other news sources, let me tell you about the peace-loving chaps at the temple where the shooting took place–this is as much about temple politics as anything. The personal lawsuits and vendettas are the tip of the iceberg.
For shame.
Violence is the calling card of the Sikh community and if their leaders, the real ones, genuinely care about their community they will shut down the agitators at RED FM and Radio India (that operates OUTSIDE the CRTC by bouncing a signal from towers in Blaine–imagine if you or I did that!!!) and pour every ounce of effort and every penny of money into redrawing the way they live as CANADIANS–if they can. This isn’t the violent frontier of the Punjab. If that’s what you want–GO HOME. If the fantastic benefits of this country aren’t enough for you to act civilized–GO HOME. If you cannot call this country HOME and live in civility and peace–go where you can act like thugs. You’re not welcome here.
Are there loving Sikhs who are good Canadians. Absolutely. Lots of them–and they make wonderful Canadians. But their example isn’t the one being showcased or followed–clearly.
I have seen the beautiful side of the Sikh culture.
It’s a pity that as time passes, love and peace have been replaced with power and greed.
Very touching story.
Who are the current community leaders? Are all politics run out of the temples? Does this not imply a possible scenario like that of muslim extremists—they use a place of worship to inculcate their young and poison them against the greater commuinity’s (Canadian) values?
Is anyone from Immigration, local government in Surrey, reaching out to try to stop this behaviour from happening? I have heard from a cop friend that, indeed, many young Indos are coming to Vancouver and causing many of the street/bar fights here in town.
[Translate]
Thx Frank. Yeah, these people need to go through their community and finally purge the angry bastards from their midst. Enough is enough. The temple elders claim that it has nothing to do with them and that this kind of violence in the Sikh community is “rare.” That’s such complete horse manure, I just can’t believe anyone would say that. This kind of violence DEFINES the Sikh community in many ways, and it has to stop. Don’t they want their daughters to become educated? Is have all girls a CRIME? I have two daughters and I ADORE them (as much as I do my boy).
And RED FM operating outside the CRTC is UNBELIEVABLE!!!! They use a bloody signal from Bellingham!!! And much of their programming is propaganda. no one touches it because they are afraid. Well, I’m not.
[Translate]
This story brought tears to my eyes…..so very sad for everyone involved.
She was obviously loved by you very much, and her memory is safe in your heart, she will never be forgotten.
Thanks for sharing this with us Alex.
[Translate]
Your most welcome. Wasn’t easy to write, but it gives you an idea of what happens (and continues to happen!!!) in the Sikh Community. And it HAS TO STOP!
[Translate]
Hi Alex,
Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss.
[Translate]
Kind of you. She was a good friend.
[Translate]
This is essential reading.
If the Sun, Province, Post or Globe don’t come calling to reprint, you’ll have one heck of a chapter for your eventual memoirs.
Bari is not dead. She survives brilliantly in your tribute.
[Translate]
Many, many thx.
[Translate]
Incredible post Alex. You deserve tons of credit for not beating that man to a pulp. I am not sure I could say I would have had the ability to control my rage However, you did the right thing.
[Translate]
Thanks Mike. I wouldn’t have done it but man I sure thought about it. And then I was ashamed of myself. What did I learn in Aikido all those years?
Anyway, her old man is in frail health. Maybe one day they will be together again and he can explain himself then. It was a very sad story from the beginning and it doesn’t look like it will end particularly well either. Pity.
[Translate]
Alex:
You’ve touched a nerve with this story, Alex. The Indo-Canadian community is close-knit and full of honest, hard working, deeply faithful people. I know. I work with many and am honoured to call several “friends”. Unfortunately prejudice has many colours and faiths. It is the enemy of all that is good and honest within us. It is a shame that none of us can say that we don’t know someone that feels like Bari’s father. You are indeed a rare individual in that you have managed to extend the gift of forgiveness to a father that couldn’t really “see” his own daughter, or what you meant to her, until after she killed herself. I feel deeply sorry for Bari’s family. You were priviledged to know a side of her which they could also have been seeing (and sharing in) if it weren’t for the blindness caused by their prejudice.
Stay well, Alex. God Bless!
[Translate]
Thx Frank. Always a pleasure to hear from you. Very kind note. Much appreciated.
[Translate]
Alex:
You brought tears to my eyes. ‘Violence begets violence.’ So very, sadly, true. May Bari’s story breed appreciation, love and tolerance.
Korina
[Translate]
You’re a doll. Great to hear from you. Sorry I couldn’t make it to the Rossini’s reunion. Family commitment. We’ll talk soon.
[Translate]
Hi Alex,
It has been awhile since I posted here (but I have continued to read your excellent articles), but this story really struck a cord with me. Utterly heartbreaking to say the least.
The Sikh community is a proud one, just like the Catholics, Muslims, Jewish, Christians, etc. but these acts fly in the face of the very doctrine they breach, do they not?
What God or deity espouses the killing of fellow man? Last time I checked, religion was about loving our fellow man and looking past sins for forgiveness.
Something must change and change soon.
And I agree 100%; leave the BS conflicts back where they originated from. Canada and ALL OF US will be the better for it.
Keep up the good work.
[Translate]
Thx James. I appreciate your kindness. I hope there is a sea change. The Sikh community has some wonderful people and they are clearly being ignored. Too much violence. That’s not the Canadian way. If those who are committing the violence wish to do so, they can go back to the Punjab and practice accordingly there.
[Translate]
Your restraint and tolerance are far greater than mine AGT. Truly moving.
“Human pain does not let go of its grip at one point in time. Rather, it works its way out of our consciousness over time. There is a season of sadness. A season of anger. A season of tranquility. A season of hope.
Robert Veninga “
[Translate]
Many thx. Great quote!
[Translate]
Hi Alex, your exceptional writing skills are well demonstrated above, it is indeed a touching part of your life, but the way you related it brings it to life. Unfortunately, similar situations continue to occur.
James (above) expresses the feelings of the majority of people of every faith and even of those not following any religion.
[Translate]
Thx Pedro. Always good to hear from you pal.
[Translate]
The problem, once again Alex, its religion.
[Translate]
In part–it’s extremist religion. Religions, all sorts of them are wonderful soulful, faithful experiences.
[Translate]
Quite a story but only too sad and true. Remember back in the late 60′ when the Sikh father from Merritt sent a bomb laden electric kettle to his daughter because she married a man Dad had not chosen? The bomb worked it killed the couple when she plugged it in. In the 70′s I worked with a young Sikh woman who literally ran away from her job and work because of being stalked. She refused to marry the man of Dad’s choice thus the choice to run. It all came to a head when the guy cornered her in an elevator and tried to rape her. She married the man she chose as there was no way, in her words, was she going to be a carpet for any man.’ Her dad declared her dead and the family had a funeral. Years later I found out she has had a very happy marriage and lives with her husband quite close by. Whether the family took her back I don’t know. The history of honour killing does seem to cross many cultures doesn’t it?
[Translate]
IT crosses cultures but seems to be prevalent in the Sikh community.
[Translate]
It’s also prevalent in many other cultures, such as those from Pakistan and the Middle East.
[Translate]
Yes, we know, thank you.
[Translate]